By Kyle Osborne
The four eldest actors of the cast of “The Expendables 3” have a combined age of 265 years. If they had to buy tickets to their own movie, they’d get the senior citizen’s discount. They’re not the Expendables, they’re the Depends-ables. This film isn’t rated PG-13, it’s rated AARP-G 13. Folks, I got a million of these.
But lest you think these are the easy put-downs of a disenfranchised critic, you should know that one of the more charming aspects of this better than expected sequel is its self-deprecating vibe. Sixty-eight year old Sly Stallone is a smart man who knows that he and his old pals (see, that was not even an intentional pun) are too long in the tooth to pull off all of the impossible stunts and over-the-top action sequences, so they’ve built in a storyline that has some fun with that and calls for some young blood.
So, in addition to the older guys you’ve seen before, Sly, with the help of Kelsey Grammer, goes on a recruiting spree where he finds younger talent in the mercenary business, mainly from actors whose faces don’t register and whose names are not known—at least to me.
As bad movies go, this one’s pretty good. The filmmakers know exactly who their audience is and they do what’s expected of them. The silly one-liners, the booming soundtrack right out of the 80’s action genre. I rarely report on what the audience reaction is at a preview screening because no one paid to get in, but I think it’s worth mentioning that the response was non-stop positive from the diehards—the laughs and cheers and applause. The Expendables is quite literally a “crowd pleaser”…for the right crowd.
Here’s what’s good: Wesley Snipes shamelessly mugs for the camera, but he gets away with it because he’s funny. Mel Gibson, I’m only gonna comment on his performance here, is great as the sleazy villain. I mean, you really believe that he’s an arms dealer without a conscience, for what it’s worth. He’s almost scary convincing. And Antonio Banderas, who shows up later in the movie, ends up stealing-scenes as a manic mercenary who’s just happy to be there.
As for the fragile looking Harrison Ford and the bloated Arnold and Sly, with his veins still popping like worms from his bulging biceps, what you can say is that they seem to be having fun and they generate an awful lot of goodwill.
It’s clunky and too long, and certainly not my thing, but as the old saying goes: This is the sort of thing you’ll like, if you like this sort of thing.
The Expendables 3 gets 2 out of 4 Stars. And it is, by the way, rated “PG-13” for the first time in the franchise. Still tons of shots fired, but no gory blood. And just enough profanity to stay out of the rated “R” zone.
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